Back.

On the hills above the city I thought about the things I’d done in three years

and realised it was not much

the sky clear enough to see along the coast

I felt further away from it all than I ever have

 

Who I was, what I was

somehow transplanted into a different body

a different someone

younger me, more beautiful

even less carefree

in love with everyone I met

I still am.

 

I hope the childish attachments never end

seeing the good in others

seeing the worst in me

perspective broken and disconnected

I still don’t understand myself

always trying to prove wrong a point that was never made

 

All failures of my own creation

three years of second guessing

believing myself changed

unchanged

 

Standing above the city I felt it all flow through me

the streets and buildings

all corners and sunlight filled rooms and

damp staining the walls.

 

It’s not time to go just yet.

A Much Needed Afternoon Off

DSC_0627

 

I have this terrible habit of treating things I’m worried about as hurdles I have to get over: nothing will be okay until I’ve jumped them, and after I have everything will be alright. The problem with that attitude is, it never ends. As soon as I’ve jumped one hurdle, I create another. I don’t often let myself feel truly calm and happy without thinking forward and doing that little sound Marge Simpson always does in the back of her throat. It’s exhausting.

Yesterday, I gave in my dissertations. Yesterday, my three years at university came to an end. Feels funny to write down. When I think about it, it isn’t too emotional, but it feels like it should be. I have always had a bit of an emotional delay with these things. Waking up this morning knowing I didn’t have to immediately get to work was a relief, but also quite sad in it’s own way. I loved those dissertations.

But on to the point of this post! I wanted to share with you what I did today. For the first time in months I took my camera on an outing. The sun was shining, I didn’t have to carry around a laptop, and I even wore a vest. A vest! What a turn around.

Just 15 minutes down the road from our flat is Preston Park, which we absolutely love. We go quite often to run around when we feel a bit stifled. This time we took our friend to have a bit of a de-stress and explore some of the area.

DSC_0639

My boyfriend was adamant that we needed to visit a little rock-garden across the road, so off we went in our little trio, with me eagerly taking pictures of their backs as we went. This always happens when I bring the camera. I end up with 500 pictures of people’s backs, them looking irritatedly at me and a few nice ones in the mix.

The rock-garden ended up being a little slice of heaven that I never knew existed. There is something so satisfying about running up hills (or watching people run and tottering behind in your slippy shoes) and sitting by waterfalls. I really needed it.

DSC_1051

DSC_1139

After messing around for an hour or two, chatting and posing in the sunlight, we headed off to a cafe I’ve always wanted to try. ‘Rust’ isn’t far from Preston Park, and has the same distressed look that I’ve come to associate with good coffee around Brighton. The coffee was good and the seats were comfy, I was very happy.

DSC_1374

Now, for the rest of the evening, I plan to watch my boyfriend play the rest of ‘The Walking Dead’ game. I am so engrossed by it but also far too emotionally attached when no doubt all these characters will die.

I hope to be posting far more now that uni is over, but it’s going to take a bit of will power not to sink into a netflix coma from now on. I hope you’re all well too. Speak soon!

April Favourites ’15

IMG_6133

It’s hard to think of monthly favourites during dissertation season. I’ve pretty much worn the same outfit everyday, I’ve rarely worn make-up and I seem to be drinking a little more than usual (only in the evening, promise). So, instead of the lists I’ve shared in previous months, I thought I’d do a little round up of the TV and film I’ve enjoyed this month. They’re all I’ve really looked forward to while sitting and staring at the same two word documents, doing this face:

emperors-new-groove-kuzco-crying

 

So, let’s get to it.

1. Community

TV Community

Image courtesy of http://www.nerdacy.com

 

My boyfriend and I are always in need of a good half hour programme to watch at lunchtime, when we should be doing other things. This month’s offering has come in the form of Community. I’ve heard people rave about this show for years, but never really considered watching it myself: I’m glad I finally did. Not only is it a light and funny watch, but it’s also a very smart programme.

The series centre on a study group at Greendale High, a community college. Each episode has a different theme and is full of pop culture references to classic film and television. The series constantly goes back on and highlights the development of it’s characters, poking fun at it’s own stereotypes and episode formats. I’m either laughing because something completely childish and silly has happened, or because a genuinely clever and funny line has taken me by surprise. It’s all good stuff.

2. My Ethan Hawke Moment

 

This month has been full, FULL, of Ethan Hawke films and I am very much okay with that. I’ve always had a soft spot for Ethan Hawke, but had sort of forgotten about him until watching Boyhood around Oscar season. This month I have binged watch the Before’s again (Before Sunrise and Before Sunset) which remain two of my favourite films. Despite it being quite short, I’ve always felt more affection for Before Sunset, mostly because it gives such a satisfying resolution to Before Sunrise. They both appeal to my romantic sensibility and Julie Delpy is just the best.

I also watched one of Ethan Hawke’s more recent films, a science fiction flick called Predestination, directed by Michael and Peter Spierig. I wasn’t too impressed by this offering. It kept me interested, but I called out the eventual reveal quite early on and it didn’t really shock in the way I think it was supposed to. Still, spending two hours staring at Ethan Hawke’s cheekbones isn’t a bad way to spend an evening.

3. Daredevil

Image courtesy of http://www.comingsoon.net

 

I’m three episodes into this series, and so far I am very much enjoying it. It’s quite easy to follow, but darker than most of the Marvel universes’ offerings. I’ll have to get back to you on this one, but so far so good.

4. Orange is the New Black

Image courtesy orange-is-the-new-black.wikia.com

Image courtesy orange-is-the-new-black.wikia.com

Why did I leave it so long to watch this series?! If you haven’t already heard about OITNB, you either don’t have Netflix or you’re very good at keeping off social media. The first series follows Piper Chapman as she enters a female only prison, forced to quickly acclimatise to the sometimes-hostile environment and gain some sort of friendship while she’s there. The show becomes far more than this storyline as it progresses, to the point that Piper actually became (for me anyway) one of the least interesting characters. It’s so well written, and so entertaining that I’ve found it difficult to only watch a few episodes a week. I’m very behind on this one, so apologies to the people that told me to watch this right when it was first released.

5. Far From the Madding Crowd

Image courtesy of smeaker.com

 

Okay, so I actually saw this on the 1st May, but I had to include this. Far From the Madding Crowd is definitely one of my favourite Thomas Hardy novels. I realised a new adaptation was being made while I was studying the book last year, and I was so pleased to find out Carey Mulligan was cast as Bethsheba. Although perhaps not as passionate as I had imagined Bethsheba, Mulligan can do little wrong in my eyes. The film was enjoyable, visually beautiful (and I’m not just talking about Matthias Schoenaerts’ face) and kept quite true to the novel. I don’t think it’s anything particularly special, if anything it felt a bit like a really good TV adaptation, but I can’t say I was disappointed.

So, that’s all for this month! I hope to speak to you guys again soon, when the stress that is two dissertations is finally at bay. Hope you had a great weekend!

7:45

On Friday night you’re having wifi troubles while I sit and stare at a

light that will not bring me any comfort.

 

He sits in the other room watching football and yelling at the screen,

the screen doesn’t yell back.

 

Outside the birds are still singing despite the sun leaving,

perhaps they’re calling it back?

 

Do you think this eczema will clear up?

How did we accumulate so much?

Am I okay?

They mingle together.

How Much Can Change in (a little less than) a Year

11124014_10153759867582538_1355782493_n

The last time I really spoke in depth about my university experience may have been this post. It was the summer of last year and I was feeling unsatisfied, unmotivated and let down by university life. I had gone to university expecting to suddenly find all the answers to the questions that had been bothering me all my teenage life. Where did I fit in with other people? What was I going to do with my life? Could I really cope on my own? Some of those have been answered, but I’ve quickly found myself surrounded by a whole lot more. I guess that’s all part of growing up.

Continue reading

5 Ways To Handle Stress.

IMG_5899

As I come to the end of my third year of university, I think I may finally be qualified to give advice on relieving stress. I’ve always been a worrier. With the worries, anxiety creeps up and stress doesn’t follow far behind. I often have no idea how stressed I am until I finally take a moment to cool down. I’m slowly learning to notice the signs, and to find remedies to combat them. So I thought I’d share my experiences with you lovely people!

Continue reading

March Favourites ’15

IMG_5774

This month has felt like a slow wade through treacle whilst frantically trying to hold onto a pile of paper in high wind. I have been ill, stressed, worn out and extremely anxious. This is the last stretch of my undergraduate career, and it’s only going to get harder as I begin to write my two dissertations. As always, it hasn’t been totally miserable, and it’s the small things that have been helping me through.

Continue reading

On Spending All Your Time With One Person

IMG_2472

My first glimpse of you was through a little round window. You waved, and I waved back. Until then you had been the subject of much speculation. Who was the fifth member of our first year university flat going to be? The night before you arrived I sat in what would be your room, thinking about who might occupy it. I could never have imagined you. You began as a surprise and continue to be one.

We were friends fast, and more than that faster. I wondered if I was doing the right thing, if you were the right thing. I constantly questioned and prodded you, willing you to leave, so unused to being loved. Yet you stayed. I learnt what it was to really be part of something. I got lost in being yours, so much so that I forgot to still be mine.

Continue reading